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Force majeure

Suppose that after much careful consideration and communication to ensure that M (a man) is decent and worthy, W (a woman) consents to a male-led relationship and transfers full authority to M. Perhaps they marry and she vows to obey. For many months or years, everything goes well and W willingly obeys M, who protects and cherishes her. But like all human beings, M sometimes makes mistakes and sometimes acts wrongly. Most of the time, these mistakes are not disastrous; but one day, M decides to drive W somewhere when he is under the influence of a mind-altering substance such as a high-strength prescription narcotic or more than a little alcohol. W is aghast at the idea and refuses, to which M replies that she has no choice and that she either trusts him or doesn't. How can such a scenario be resolved? What should W do?

My personal take on this is as follows. It assumes that (1) we are talking about people who live in a free society, and (2) that there has been no concerted, intentional employment of psychological programming/brainwashing, etc., on the woman.

(I make this second very specific stipulation because I think that people in emotionally intense relationship always end up doing some 'psychological programming' to each other; and I want to be clear that I am talking about someone whose will/self-identity, etc., has not been intentionally and profoundly altered through a systematic process, but about someone whose will/self-identity has been altered, if at all, only in the 'normal' way that can (does?) happen in any intense relationship. Though I guess it's not a bright-line issue when I think about it. Anyway.....)

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It seems to me to be clear that submission or authority transfer, even when declared by the submitter to be enduring and irrevocable, contains an implicit element of constant contingency, constant re-commitment and re-evaluation, if you will. This is true even in relationships where there is meta-consent or consensual nonconsensuality, as in some relationships; much more so in a relationship where the limits of authority transfer have been implicitly or explicitly defined to be something short of these extremes.

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With this in mind the woman always has both the right and the wherewithal to withdraw consent. Even if she says, “I have made my last choice, and that was the ability to freely choose,” this is, as a practical matter, not really true (again, in a free society). She must thereafter constantly choose not to choose again, even if she does not consciously do so.

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What keeps a woman from withdrawing from that commitment, even when it causes her to cross some ethical/situational line she had not necessarily considered when she granted it to the man, is entirely interior to the woman.

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In some (relatively unusual) cases she actually may not be able to, having truly reached a condition of ‘internal enslavement.’ This is, of course, very similar to what happens in brainwashing, I think, in a lot of ways.

She may not be ‘internally enslaved,’ but may have invested so much in the relationship in terms of emotional capital, self-identity, etc., that she concludes that breaking her commitment to the relationship would be more damaging to herself than crossing the line that she is being compelled against her better judgment to cross would be.

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Or she may see it as a point of honor, as a matter of personal integrity or self-identity that she not go back on her word, her commitment.

But ultimately, I believe, there can always be a deal-breaker.

This is why, of course, people must be very careful about making such commitments, if they do truly see them as commitments and would be bothered by the necessity to break them.

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But given that is impossible to be certain that one knows everything about a person one needs to know in order to responsibly make such a commitment – I've been in the same relationship for over twenty years now, and I am still learning important things about my wife, and she about me, I think – the potential for this sort of re-assessment of things is always there, even among people who are very thorough and conscientious about getting to know each other, who have done a lot of ‘due diligence.’

Then, too, people change during relationships, of course, so that as time goes by they are less the people they were when the commitment was made. Ideally they grow and change together as things go along, but sometimes, for whatever reason, they grow or change in separate ways; and this can cause a necessity for re-evaluation of whether one can or should stay in the relationship as well.

So what's the upshot of all this: what should W do in this case?

Ideally, M will listen to W's pleas that he not drive, or will later thank her for having taken away his car keys or insisting on driving herself or getting a taxi instead. But if he does not, she may have to take responsibility for her own protection.

How M responds to W's actions after the fact – whether he thanks her for saving them from his mistake or chastises her for disobedience – will say much, I think, about the shape of the relationship in the long-term, and may push W to the point of making the sort of re-assessment of the relationship to which I refer earlier here.

Posted by Alla Smokie on 20 January 2022, 3:51 AM

Mature Singles: Malice In PUA-land

I haven't been writing anywhere near as much lately, teaching nearly as much, or trying to pick up mature women nearly as much. I guess you could consider me a semi-retired PUA/player. So what is life like now?

The most dramatic change is that I've been focusing almost exclusively on the basics. When you're in the seduction community, I think you create a lot of unnecessary problems for yourself by spreading yourself too thin, especially if you consider yourself a guru or expert on the subject; you create problems because the mature dating community demands it. Every guy sits and waits on the next blogger or guru to talk about the next big thing as if the basics stopped working on mature women.

After you take a step back from the seduction community, you gather your barrings, and say to yourself "hold on, I don't need all of this.". And as a result, I've stripped my game down to the bare essentials: looking good, being funny, making mature women chase, always having self respect, and taking advantage of opportunity.

I was out with my wing last weekend, and I think he kind of over-analyzed every single situation because it's what you are taught to do in the seduction community. I flat out told him about how I felt: approach first, make excuses later. And that kind of highlights the flaw I had as a member of the seduction community. While deep in it, I kind of would take one situation and dissect it into multiple angles like almost every other guru and blogger would do. Not to say that it didn't work, but it also made it difficult to explain & execute; hence the difficult learning curve for guys entering the game (and veterans alike).

Everyone is in search of some new technique and wants to create false realities, but in actuality, they have truly lost touch with what is. You guys read, and read, and read, in hopes of finding something that will allow you to stay out of the gym, not spend more money on your clothing, and avoid the pain of taking risks with your pride. You try a new technique, whether it is Mode One, Mystery Method, or whatever, so that when you get shot down, you can blame the technique instead of blaming your personality or character flaws; it is all done in an attempt to avoid getting your ego shattered.

And then there are those of you that buy into that "create your own reality" mess. Look, there's nothing wrong with enjoying yourself and not caring what other people think, but at some point in time, you're going to have to step into someone else's reality if you want something that they possess; in this case, sex from mature women. Living in your own reality is just another phrase for protecting your ego from getting shattered. Something to think about: schizophrenics also live in their own reality and don't tend to pay attention to the world around them.

Not to say that any of this stuff is wrong. However, it should be more of an afterthought. After you've got the basics down, then you can add a little bit of structure into your game. And even after you add structure, STICK TO THE BASIC PRINCIPLES instead of over-analyzing every situation (I'm looking at you Reader Mail guys). After you've faced the truth about yourself and have worked on it, then you can go out and act like the rest of the world doesn't matter. Until then, step out of the twilight zone and back into reality.

Posted by Alla Smokie on 08 September 2021, 3:34 AM

Your Backpage Wing-Woman

Being female, we often provide backpage dating advice for women and not men. But SingleTease is no longer about products for women anymore, so thought it would be refreshing to provide some advice for men for a change.

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Recently we connected with a really cool woman, Marni. She is your ultimate “Wing-Woman”. And what man doesn’t need a fantastic Wing-Woman on their side, right?

Woman in general, will take guidance and will listen more easily to another woman even if she is a stranger. So if you are out with a friend who is your Wing-Woman and you start a conversation with a backpage woman you are attracted to, your Wing-Woman can be very helpful in closing the deal.

But be careful, because most women that see a man out with another woman immediately assumes they are dating. So you will have to make that clear pretty quickly. I remember once, I was at the Farmer’s Market, wearing my “Just Ask Me (out)” tee and a cute guy approached me. He was with a young, beautiful blonde, so my first reaction was why is this guy approaching me with his girlfriend? Never assume. They were just friends. And I actually thought more of him, because his “Wing-Woman” was complimenting how awesome he was.

So a Wing-Woman can come in very handy, if you have a good one. And Marni, from “The Wing-Girl Method” is just that. She is your female friend that will show you how to approach, attract and KEEP women interested.” She knows her stuff.

She recently wrote a post tilted “5 Things You Need To Do To Get Women in 2020“. Great article. Check it out:

1. Be a LEADER, not a follower – I know it’s easier to be the “easy going guy” but it’s certainly not attractive. For the month of January be decisive in everything that you do. Even if you don’t have an opinion, form one and take it to action. For example “X what do you want to do tonight?”. Your typical answer “Doesn’t matter to me, whatever you like”.  New 2011 answer “Let’s go to this new Whiskey bar I heard about.”

(There’s nothing more attractive than having a backpage guy take charge! Any guy who has dated me, knows I prefer if he just makes the decisions. Not all mind you, but enough to show he is a man.)

2. Get a life – Women are more attracted to men that have lives of their own. Why? Because it means they are not as needy. Assignment: Join 1 new group/sign up for 1 new activity that you have been meaning to try forever but never have.”

(So true. They say you can tell alot about a guy if you meet his friends. If he has a full life, then he will have some amazing friends in his life. If you first meet him and he doesn’t mention anything about activities with friends, “red-flag” for me. This would mean he depends primarily on the woman in his life to “fill” his life. Not attractive.)

3. Sign up for online dating – If you are single and not online then you are seriously missing out.  Online dating is the equivalent of a candy shop for singles!!! Tons of hot, available women all in one place. The only thing is that you if you don’t do it right, then you won’t get to taste any of the goodies. If you need assistance let me know and I will show you how to attractively date online.”

(I prefer to meet men in person than online. But my philosophy is if you are not getting out there enough, online dating is a good way to get you out there. But the right photos and a polished profile are definitely important to attract the good ones. Marni can help you with that.)

4. State your intentions – 2011 is the year of honesty. No more covering up your intentions and suppressing your masculine urges.  If you see a woman you find attractive, go get her and let her know what you want. And what do you want?? You want to see whether or not you want more from her. Whether it’s to date, sex, partnership, friendship etc….  But you will never get to find out unless you are clear with your intentions.”

(I love that. “2020 is the year of honesty”. Let a girl know your intentions! Believe me it will save a lot of misunderstanding and unwanted drama between you. We are not mind readers so be upfront with what you want.)

5. Be direct – This one is an add on to #4. There is nothing sexier than a man who can be direct. Be direct and ask for what you want OR you can continue asking for what you don’t want and tip toeing around it. Think of how you asked for gifts from backpage when you were younger. You asked for what you wanted “I want a BB gun, I want a Nintendo Entertainment System, I want a G.I. Joe….”. Then it’s up to Santa to say yes or no. The only way to get what you want, is by asking for it.”

(I adore a direct man. You will never know, unless you ask!)

Posted by Alla Smokie on 25 February 2020, 3:59 AM

Its Not Me Its You: How In direction of Generate 1st Day Circulation

In just the historical past of backpages, couple of comprise appeared consequently insincere as “it’s not your self it’s me.” It veritably reeks with desperation, a ploy hence soulless that basically a person riddled with furious ADHD who’s hoping toward look at Phineas and Ferb When eating Nerds and participating in a DS and pleasuring by themselves may possibly be inattentive sufficient toward nod inside of attractiveness Although they pay attention it.

Likely it’s by no means oneself. If it’s oneself, then why do oneself comprise a condition? It’s them. Did that generate come to feel? Vaguely.

The reason people require in direction of use “it’s not your self it’s me” is in the direction of acquire absent the brutal sting of a statement which include “you scent together with a hog farm inside of July” or “the thought of staying romantic with your self is made up of basically specified me diarrhea.” All those types of things actually mess up your self esteem, inquire just about every single unique on the Holy Taco editorial workforce, all of whom read all those same variables from their households for a long time.

Now, the natural way we can’t get rid of “it’s not yourself it’s me” versus the vernacular, that would be as absurd as taking the term “vernacular” inside of an short article that experienced merely intended these types of a negative joke regarding diarrhea. In its place, we need to have in the direction of jive and juke. Shake variables up thus the sufferer of this pale, flimsy lie is perplexed and doesn’t comprehend what specifically happened, thus permitting your self a contemporary family vacation and your first diarrhea-free working day in weeks.

Be Specific

The most significant difficulty with boasting “it’s not your self it’s me” is that it doesn’t necessarily mean everything. What’s on your own? Don’t permit their minds get started performing upon that conundrum on their personal, you’ll merely are unsuccessful out and be forced to dwell your daily life within just distress. Or you’ll receive slapped. Or the two. Rather, specify what it is regarding you that’s ruining this romantic relationship. For case in point, by yourself may say “I received hepatitis against sharing a toothbrush with Tommy Lee.” That’s super gross and prosperous. If it’s not strong adequate, try out vomiting.

Be Squirrely

Practically nothing breaks down a social communication more quickly than unpredictable mental condition. It’s real, check out toward purchase a burger at a cafe even though screaming at ghosts and look at how quickly you’re aided. It’s carefully likely toward be including Fifteen minutes at the minimum amount.
If on your own need to have toward motivation the level about it exceptionally getting your self dwelling, oneself comprise to deliver by yourself as zany as likely. Gnashing of enamel and hair pulling are beneficial commences still if yourself can hard work up an psychological but fearsome concerned breakdown by yourself can be forgiven accurately about everything.

Be Offensive

This may imply start describing how you’d together with towards bang her mom inside definitely second matter, however that’s much too almost certainly in the direction of order yourself a slap. Rather, yourself comprise towards generate your whole individual offensive. Do yourself bathe? Search into putting that upon retain for a spell. If yourself obtain it’s not successful sufficient and you’re practically offending you, oneself could possibly constantly wrap your nether parts inside of plastic wrap and wash the take it easy of your human body When the extremely nasty sections carry on toward stew. Within a few of weeks, depending upon your place of bodily recreation and in general sweatiness, you’ll most likely be absolutely free and apparent.

Be Depressing

Ennui is really underrated, unless among emo youngsters, supposing they continue to exist and haven’t been replaced with a refreshing trend nevertheless. And the rationale no a person likes people emo small children is, perfectly, feelings. They’ve chosen in the direction of eschew all the neat ones including awesomeosity and wickedness inside of want of melancholy and crap. Crap is basically a poor feeling.
In just this illustration, still, crap and melancholy can be your friend. Since who upon world desires yourself if you’re emo? We Googled it and arrived up vacant.

Be Creepy

Oneself notice what the internet has a good deal of? Awfulness. Employ that in the direction of stimulate yourself. No one particular wants to fork out season with a creepy particular person. What constitutes creepy? Anyone who likes feet. Sorry, still that’s bizarre. Acquire up a foot fetish or 2. Paper your area with foot photos, pay back a ton of time in just shoe outlets, consider toward butter your unique friend’s ft although they slumber. Inevitably this will all create up and you’ll uncover on your own blissfully by yourself.
Within the rare celebration you’re with a fellow foot lover, it’s a easy issue of transforming gears towards a refreshing, disturbing paraphilia. Every time feet don’t effort and hard work, tentacles will. Or vacuums. Not for very little, still if your self hump a vacuum, you’re lovely a great deal confident towards be left straight by itself as a result of whomever catches you. How do we recognize? Inquire the three interns who halt upon us final 12 months.

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Posted by Alla Smokie on 04 December 2019, 3:54 AM